Monday, December 9, 2013

Infinite Mittens.

While driving down a scenic NJ highway:

Deb: What do you think you want to blog about today?
Jow : No idea. The well is dry, unlike my sinuses.
Deb: You can do the Alphabet game. Just think of something meaningful that begins with "A".
Jow: Alphabet, Aardvark, Apple.

Deb: Something meaningful..
Jow: Angina!
Deb: Angina?
Jow: Heart Pain.
Deb: Uuuughh.

 "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh
wgah'nagl fhtagn!
Deb: ...You can write about being infinite! (As per a previous conversation)
Jow: Being Mittens? What does that even mean?
Deb: Being INFINITE!
Jow: Ohhh.. Well that is a good idea.

It's good to know that we have our hard of hearing octogenarian banter down now.

Aside from being a meme, "in that moment, I swear we were infinite" is from the book/movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", which is expertly done. I respectfully disagree with those who don't like it.

Infinity is a problematic concept. Usually it's a qualifier bounded by a noun: "infinite time", "the infinite universe", etc. In truth it's something that needs to be experienced rather than talked about or defined by a formula. The only quality that Infinity would possess is that of boundlessness. No boundaries.

It's a pretty deep thing. We're talking the Ain Soph here. Ginnungagap. Wuji.

In most cosmological models it's the base on which creation is built. Any time you loose a boundary, you are one step closer to the Infinite. However, every time you loose a boundary it is a little death. It's that tricky thing where you gain by losing and lose by gaining.

It seems to be the mystics problem with "The World". We are all infinite, put into finite forms and situations delineated by time/space. That push/pull causes apparent suffering as we get attached to things that will eventually disintegrate and fall apart.

It also highlight's most folks problems with "Mysticism", in that it runs counter to everything that nature urges us to do. Most people want to "be someone". They take pride in "defining traits", and when they have to make a stance, sometimes respond with "That's not the kind of guy I am." Boundaries give us security, a literal leg to stand on, and a way to navigate the world we live within without being trampled.

As a kid I had very poor boundaries. I would regularly give away too large portions of myself, my time, my money, for the sake of others to my own detriment. Then the pendulum swung the other way in young adulthood, where I was isolated, cold, distant, and selfish. More than once when being asked for help from someone I would respond with the heart warming:

Frieeeeeends Huuuuuug..
 "If it's so important to you, do it yourself. You can't do it yourself? Then you better think about things that are easier for you to manage."

I was a cuddly as a face hugger, no? I am surprised I have any friends left from that period.

Now that I've mellowed some, and stopped being such an insufferable brat, I've realized that I need to do both. Being infinite doesn't mean giving up everything as much as not identifying with it.. which is harder to do when you don't give it up. "Being someone" isn't constantly and violently living with a copy of "Atlas Shrugged" stuffed into your ass, (better in your ass than your mind, IMO) all the while policing your boundaries so hard that you chase off every bit of emotional warmth available to you.

Part of being infinite means that I realize that those were both me, and now I am something new. A chain of experiences and perspectives that shift like a great worm moving through space/time. A waveform of the Infinite.

That's the fun part: I get to choose. When I was a violent, awful, miserable husk I did have an experience of the Infinite, like I had when I was a child in prayer, and that was the outcome: Choice. I was choosing to be this. I was choosing to be miserable, and I made the conscious choice not to be that way. I could be either. I could be anything. I could go out tomorrow and hunt down neighborhood children and turn them into sausage. I could leave the house and never come back, wandering the earth like Kane from Kung Fu. I could go to work and have leftover stew for lunch, and prepare for our yearly Operational Standards Review.

I can do any of those things.

It's my choice, because in this moment, I swear we are infinite.

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