Monday, January 28, 2013

Sickblogging 2013: A Pelican bleeding out, and a mess on the floor.

Currently, I have about half a dozen posts waiting to be finished. In my opinion they are all shit. In my opinion they are all shit enough to have made me want to not blog anymore... like ever. My muse seems to have gone on vacation. She's not returning my calls. I think she may have shit on my living room carpet on the way out.

All this talk about not being labeled, and the Great Work, and who may or may not have achieved it, is usually my jam. But I can't seem to muster up enough inspiration to string together a thousand words on any given topic, have it make sense, and have some sort of point. 

So, since I have nothing left to give, I've decided to, in Gordon's words, "bleed all over the internet."

To be honest, it's been hard to be cheerful or engaged in anything lately. And by lately, I mean for months. I am told this is depression. So, I've been a bit depressed, and angry. Frustrated with everything, and not feeling at all myself. I know teeeeechnically according to many there is no permanent self, but when you are used to being a normal, functional person, and then go with no apparent stimulus to being pissed off and sad for all your waking hours it feels a lot like you were some how pick pocketed of your very soul. 

Since the wedding, and recovery period (aka honeymoon) my emotions have been leaning this way. Which is weird to me as it was one of the happiest days of my life, if not THE happiest. Since then, life has been a full rush into nothing but work work and more work. Honestly, it's wearing me down to the point where I am so unused to things I enjoy, they make me nervous, and I've grown to resent the basic things I have to do to keep even the possibility of them going. With the last few days of extreme overwork, honest and true exhaustion, followed by sickness, all I have wanted to do was lay on my side and wait till sleep takes me. 

I've not felt this low since I was a teenager. I was a really fucked up teenager. Mostly because I had a really rough childhood. My parents were great, please understand, but other bits of my childhood from about age eight to twelve were so horrible that when I got my first initiation at a twilight crossroads everything involved was not so bad. (Just to give you some scale of horribleness: I know for a fact that a third degree burn does not hurt too much.. because your skin melts off.)

"So you want to get to Hadestown?
Romeo and Juliet got nothin' on us, babe.
You'll have to take the long way down
Through the underground, under cover of night
Laying low, staying out of sight
Ain't no compass, brother, there ain't no map
Just a telephone wire and a railroad track
Keep on walking and don't look back
'til you get to the bottomland" Hermes to Orpheus - Hadestown

That initiation happened to be being struck by a car on a highway that I was crossing on foot. It hobbled me by giving me a compound fracture of the lower leg, skinned half my face, and closed one of my eyes. I could only grow a beard on half my face at the time. Knocked across three lanes of a highway, I lay crumpled and bleeding, shaking with shock. As Providence would have it, the car behind the car that hit me was a doctor and his family. That doctor pulled in front of my dying carcass and blocked traffic, and administered first aid till the paramedics arrived. What was left of me, wheeled into the operating room was so gruesome that an ER nurse vomited on the floor. 

"Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and everyday was as long as a life-age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt light in me again." -Gandalf LotR

I was pulled out of a darkness so perfect and quiet with someone (the doctor) asking me if I knew where I was. "Do you know where you are? Do you know your name? Can you tell me what date it is?" I was being oriented in space and time, and I claimed the name of my birth

In a reality of shifting identity, a world of crystallized chaos slowly turning, melting, and reforming, your name is the only identity you have. Sometimes it's the only identity you need. Iamblichus was explicit in saying the old words of power, the old Names worked because they worked. The Russian Orthodox Church is currently combating the "Name Glorifiers" who say that the name of Jesus IS Jesus. The who science of mantra says the name is the sonic form of the being. It's why many times the outer names were titles, while the inner names used only among priests were the sonic form of the being invoked. The name has a real link to the being. A more perfect representation of the being than any statue. 

"Gandalf? Yes... That's what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey. That was my name. I am Gandalf the White." - Gandalf LotR

Names are a touch point to space and time, and in space and time there are deeds. Your whole history can be hitched to your name. The whole line of all of your comings and goings. You can remember yourself by remembering your name.. your real name. If you can't remember that, remember your history. One can link you to the other, to the person you are, or to the person you want to be. 

When you find yourself being pulled down, taken apart, you need to pull yourself together. Because you can be anything. Hero or Villain. There are things that build you up, and things that tear you down. Those things that tear you down also test your mettle. It shows where you are strong, and where you need strengthening. This isn't just for folk who call down storm and spirit, this is for everyone. What's more, it is terribly hard, and terribly painful. 

But, there is a bright side. The Universe will call you to the carpet. You will be found wanting, many times, but then you have the opportunity to pull yourself together and get stronger. It won't be easy, and you may need help, in fact I think you should always have help, but you can do this. If you want it bad enough... and you do. Because the alternative is being a victim. You aren't a victim. You are a survivor, and that puts you on the path of Heroes. Big. Damn. Heroes. 


Christopher Bradford said...

Wow. Looks like all the muse need can be found in our Gordon....excellent post!

Anonymous said...

That was some good shit. Hope you are feeling better.

Mr. J. said...

@AIT It was a delicious cocktail of Gordon, Deb, Exhaustion, Sickness, and hitting rock bottom emotionally. Doing some better now though. ;)

@grackleandsun Thank you! I am doing better somewhat. It's going to take work, and rest, but totally worth it.

Anonymous said...

Great post!