Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I shall face my fear, and let it pass over and through me..

I haven't been doing a lot of formal ritual work lately outside the usual daily work out, but I have been doing a lot of meditating. I am not a good morning meditator. I get up pretty early (for me), and can be described as semi-conscious at best, and those days I wake up late I barely have time to pour coffee down my maw, dress myself, and be presentable before I head out.

Luckily I have an hour of commuting ahead of me. That is a lot of time on the cushion, so to speak. I started meditating in the car to combat driving anxiety using a taoist method I learned from reading the work Mantak Chia: Focus on the lower Dan Dien to short circuit the monkey mind. And it worked! As time went on it was harder and harder to focus on the meditation when things like cars and woodland creatures would invade my personal driving space.

So I switched it up: Mantra Japa to Ganesh and/or Shiva.. but most of the time my mouth would be mouthing and my head would be elsewhere.

Thanks partly to Jason's Strategic Sorcery Course, partly to my research into Christian Centering Prayer, and remembering my early foray into meditation in the first part of Initiation Into Hermetics by Franz Bardon, and just focus on what I was doing.

It was surprising how little discursive thought was necessary for operating a motor vehicle! Mostly day dreams, or worries, or day dreams about worries.

Eventually, I found the me that watches behind the thoughts and feelings. I found the thinker, the feeler, the seer, the hearer. It's strange and I am still working to stabilize it, but I think it is something really worth doing. I've had very intense meditational experiences before, but this one seems much more sustainable, like if I get in the habit, I can rest in it, and sit in the eye of the storm, and from the eye, control the storm.